~*Tinkerbelle*~ STOP THE TRAFFIK

Monday, December 20, 2021

Memory Lane

Do you ever just get so emotionally overwhelmed with life?

You might read something or hear something, even smell something that just makes you trip?  The older I get, the more I seem to ‘trip’.

As life goes on, you start racking up a myriad of experiences and memories, people come and go, people die. You lose old friends, you gain new ones and the cycle repeats.  Life is tiresome and I can’t even begin to imagine what 100 year old people have experienced and feel.

Just tonight I stumbled across an email exchange with a lost best friend and I felt all the emotions and it made me sad that we’ve parted ways because I wish we were still part of each others lives.

I started tumbling further down the rabbit hole, actively looking for past memories and came across this old blogging treasure.

But if you keep losing yourself in the past, it becomes very dark and unbreathable, like a heavy weight in your lungs.

But I just can’t help but wonder how I’ve come to be this age and experienced so many failed friendships, so many mixed emotions, so many memories and met so many diverse people, how I am still able to wake up a new person everyday - it baffles me.

All the different jobs I’ve had, the many places I’ve been, the indescribable and countless conversations I’ve had with probably millions of people.

And yet here I sit typing this overwhelming blog as exactly the same person I was throughout all the years that I’ve lived (which feels excessive but I admit, has not been long).

And after feeling this way for one, maybe two hours, I inhaled, exhaled and brought myself back to the present, still feeling a smidge of sadness about the past, what could’ve been but wasn’t.

It’s just one of those feelings.

IQ/EQ

I'm very emotionally distraught by the displaced persons crisis of the world.
My 3 week awakening to Nauru in October 2012 opened my eyes to the insane, heartless lack of compassion our world seems to be experiencing currently.
Naively, I'd thought it had all come to rest some time last year and yet I am constantly reminded via world events and even occurrences in our own backyard of how volatile we are as human beings.
I'm, by no means, a scholar and I don't plan for this blog to be deep and philosophical, in fact, none of my blogs come under that category, but why is that there are so many people with hearts of cold stone???
I recently had a conversation with a colleague from work about the difference between IQ and EQ (of which I didn't even know the latter existed!).  But, as it turns out, whilst some are great with their brain, others are emotional wizards.  I seem to be the latter - or so I think!
I watched a movie today called Camp X-Ray.  I honestly went into it blindly (as I do most unheard-of films), not knowing really what I was watching.
By the end of it, I was in tears.  It brought back a flood of memories of my own time in Nauru.
Obviously it was nothing like gtmo, but the human soul was still exposed in the same way.

Monday, November 23, 2015

Battling the Illusions

Today was just one of those days where everything about life just felt wrong. And then this afternoon I felt like my life was soaring into new heights and looking up, getting better I suppose, and now it all looks bleak again. In fact, when I felt as though my life was getting better, it was the whole reason I decided to write this blog in the first place.
But 'defeatedness' comes over me often and it's not because of anything people say or do but just because I feel like I am constantly fighting an uphill battle.
I feel like I'm always climbing 5 steps but getting knocked back 20. I suppose the main thing, they say, is to just keep climbing no matter what.
The problem with resting to catch your breath is that often, the feeling of that cool breeze on your face, the moments of contemplation, are more refreshing and enticing than the actual climb.
-sighs-
And thus is the battle of the mind!

Thursday, February 05, 2015

Blessings CDO 2011

Dear CDO Staff of 2011

During the course of this summer, lots of people will tell you that it is not by accident that you made it there this summer. It was something that I was always skeptical about but what I do know for sure is that no matter where you are in life, whether that is in your home town or whether it's at the amazing, picturesque Camp Del Oro, God will use every part of you if you allow him to. He'll renew and transform you in ways you never thought possible.

Every child you come in contact with will be for a specific purpose. You might not see that purpose over the duration of this camp in the summer of 2011 but your purpose will be fulfilled at some point throughout that childs life as they grow from a small child into an independant man or woman whose choices and decisions they make in life may very well be a direct impact of the part you've chosen to undertake at camp this summer!

In true Aussie spirit, and for the lack of my attendance, I have taken it upon myself to send you all this small Boomerang.

There are many reasons for a Boomerang, most commonly it is known for it's return. But there are three reasons I hope you will all remember this summer.

1. When thrown correctly, a Boomerang will return.
It is my prayer that every kid that comes to camp this year, either renews their relationship with Christ or begins a lifelong journey with him. If you give yourself wholly to Christ and continue to do what the Lord asks of you this summer, these kids, just like a boomerang, will come back to Jesus at some point in their lives. It might not be during that week, but later in life, something will remind them of their time with you and just might lead them to an eternity with Christ!

2. The Boomerang was an Aboriginal (Australian natives) weapon.
There are two sides to every good story. One of good and one of evil. You as a staff this summer have the opportunity to be mighty warriors and if you are united, you will be a force to be reckoned with, a weapon of mass destruction! The enemy will try every which way possible to bring you down, he will pull apart every thread that holds you together and unfortunately, if you are not united in Christ, he will succeed. You each have a role to play, not one role is more significant than another. Remember that you are the body of Christ. So stand strong alongside each other. Support each other. Remember you all have the same goal

3. God's blessings will be returned to you.

Film Emtions

I haven't done this in a while and I guess i only really sit down and do this when I'm bored and deep within thought.

Yesterday I watched 'Wild' at the movies and for the most part it was not really raw and really, it was pretty Hollywood i thought.  There wasn't much depth to it, unlike 'Into the Wild'.  Perhaps because the main character didn't end up dead, I don't know.

But these types of movies always make me want to explore myself deeper and to push myself into situations that I'd normally find difficult or out of my comfort zone and, absolutely, for about 2 or 3 years now, I've wanted to rip myself out of society and do something with my life that not only will change my life but also the lives of those around me.  It's a burning desire in the depths of my soul to experience something out of the ordinary, something that's life-changing, something that I can look back on and marvel over, something to be proud of myself for.

Being in society here and going through the motions seems ordinary, dull, it's too familiar for me.  Experiencing something new here, doesn't seem like it could ever be possible.  I don't know why, maybe it's because nothing in my life seems to progress or change, maybe it's because i have no ties or nothing to aspire or look forward to.  Or maybe it's because every time i find something that's good, i end up having to compete for it.  I just want to find something I'm good at and not have other people popping up around me wanting to prove themselves better than me.  Because, lets face it, that's not much of a feat anyways.  I just wanna do what i love and excel in what i do - without the distraction of others trying to push me down.


Monday, July 28, 2014

Another bright star in heaven

Funerals give you a lot to think about and tomorrow is my Nanna's funeral.  My Grandma is my only last grandparent, and I'd like to think that there are at least a couple more decades in her yet!

When a grandparent dies, nothing about it is any less painful but we expect that when we grow old, this sort of thing will happen.

But it seems the more painful things are the memories they leave behind because suddenly, you're faced with all the great reasons they existed in the first place and wish they could still be alive to create many more great things.

There's also that air of regret.  All the things they never experienced and the joys they are yet to see happen.

Now, my Nanna lived a good and full life and i'd like to think that she passed away not regretting a single thing in her life.

I'm sure there were things that she wished had happened differently but she did things a lot of people her age aren't courageous enough to do.

So in the wake of our last goodbyes to her, i thought it would be fitting to jot down the memories that are imprinted on my heart....

She was the backbone of my mum's side.  I always used to give credit to my Granddad because he favoured me and made me feel like a princess, i was his little doll, but in essence, all he did was feed us bedtime furry friends and chocolate picnics and make us fat.  But not enough credit was given to my Nanna, who really, pulled everything together.  She did a lot of sewing, i remember her teaching me knitting but her sewing was more about holding her family together.  She worked behind the scenes and looking back, i think a lot of things ran smoothly because of her tireless efforts.
She washed our clothes, she cooked our meals, she planned out the days that we spent on the farm.  She did the little things other adults were too mature to do, like take us on long walks to the mailbox and back or praise us for being such terrible tennis players, she had more patience than some.  We took trips into town and spent days by the river with our packed lunches.  We'd always help Nanna pick out the fireweed and burn those damn weeds to hell! hahah....The way she'd wipe down benches and cook meals, peel the vegetables.  She played board games, tippit, and helped us draw spirographs, we played endless games of uno and skip-bo.  She always had the bread, banana skins and sugar cubes to feed the horses.  She wore singlet tops and shorts that were far too short.  She used to read us bedtime stories and she'd always have the mattresses made up for us to stay.  She was always the one who was waiting on the verandah for our arrival.  She'd make us weetbix and vegemite on toast, that she'd cut into squares and we'd watch to see how many willywagtails would eat the crumbs she'd put out for them in the morning, she'd always have her favourite and it always seemed to be a blue one.  I remember one time watching a movie about Nadia the Russian gymnast, and using logs on the farm to impersonate a gymnast, she was all-too encouraging.  The only music i ever heard was the nutcracker suite and i can't remember if that was her favourite or Granddad's.  My Christmas present would always be the same as my cousin who was the same age as me, only one of us needed to open it to know what was wrapped beneath the others.  My memories of Nanna weren't just about what i remember but also the smells and the colours, the textures of things, the way things felt to touch, lots of greens and oranges, vintage retro colours.  The way our skin would feel after a long bath and the pat of a talcum powder patting thing.  The smell of the landrover, the smell of the rooms, the way her vanity was laid out with perfumes and jewellery and brushes.  The feel of the carpet under our feet because we'd been told to leave our shoes outside.  And the absence that will be felt will be the endless birthdays when we don't receive birthday cards, the presence of her company at all family events, there will just be one missing and perhaps now, I am the shortest family member. Always the loudest singer but always such a good and valuable lady.  She had a zest for life, an adventurous and inquisitive spirit.  She believed in goodness, in education, in justice.  She smuggled bibles into China and taught English in Peru and perhaps she passed the same sense of hope and belief of humankind down to me, perhaps this is her legacy that I can carry with me into the world.

You lived a good and full life Wilma Anderson!  You will be surely missed, for the rest of our days!!

Wednesday, July 09, 2014

Me, The Banker

Yesterday was the first time I got to be hands on and take calls in my new banking job.
We also were given our rosters for the next two weeks and told who our team leaders would be.
It's pretty amazing that out of 300 people we were the 45 who got chosen.
This job is probably the best office job I've ever had I've ever had.  The training and trainers have been A-Grade and the environment of 160+ bankers is just encouraging, supportive and feels like family, I feel at home in this new environment and it's only week two!
All staff are friendly and I now understand why they pride themselves so much on their 'culture'.  The office is always buzzing and people genuinely get on with each other and create a fun atmosphere!
My roster is a bit seedy this fortnight with all 7am starts and having to work on Sat but I'm loving the casual rates and the penalties!  Hopefully it won't be like that again for a little while, particularly as it means I have to get up at 3:30am.  The traveling definitely takes it's toll on me, that's for sure!!
What I also love about this job is how much room there is for improvement and progression, not to mention the incentives we can earn and targets we can achieve!
I know it's only week 2 but thusfar I'm really loving this new job.

Thursday, May 29, 2014

Mentally Challenging

It seems to be that every time I find the motivation to actually write in my blog, it's always in relations to some sort of memory that I've had from my experience in Nauru.

It was one of the more bizarre times in my life and I think as a result, anyone who has experienced something like that is left with a scraping in their mental state, similar to someone who trips over and scrapes their knee, I suppose.

On Sunday, I had an important phone call from a friend that brought all those memories back in graphic detail.  It was a phone-call I appreciated and one which left me reminiscing about my time in Nauru.  But the emotion just sort of hit me like a brick - it was too much to take in and with some new information I found myself thinking of that phone-call for many hours after and in my spirit, a heaviness seemed to settle in my spirit, one which I'd forgotten or thought I'd shaken, one which cast a sadness in my soul.

This experience in Nauru is one which will haunt me for the rest of my life.  I'll never shake it and just when i think i have, it'll hit me again, like an open flood-gate.  In some ways, I'm grateful for the reminder because I never want to become so hardened to the things which the world is suffering, that I forget - because if i do, I might stop fighting for important causes, for human rights, for the lives of human beings that haven't been as fortunate to grow up in a society of freedom.

But the purpose of this blog is not to cry and mope and remain in a state of sadness.

A few years ago, i got into scrap-booking (actually i didn't get into it at all, i merely thought it was something fun).  Last week i finished up my job and took down some pics i had of my friends.

There's a lot out there about Asylum Seekers, particularly in regards to their personal details and photos.  But when I was taking down a personal photo that I have treasured, i felt that it's important for me to remember my time in Nauru.  So I've decided, as a personal keepsake - not for anyone elses viewing, to scrapbook my experience.  So that I remember the positivity that I brought to the men detained there, to remember how nice they were to me and the people that I will consider my friends for eternity.

Like I said, there will never be complete closure, at times, my mind and heart will wander and sometimes I'll probably cry but a scrapbook will help me to understand that the time i spent there was real.  The work i carried out there was not in vain and the memories that i have experienced really happened.

Tuesday, December 31, 2013

2013

Every year JANUARY sees me holidaying it up.  I can usually be found soaking up the rays on the sand at Maroubra beach and my start to 2013 wasn't any different.

FEBRUARY was quiet and uneventful.

I met someone in MARCH who made me feel like an absolute princess.  He paid for us to go to the Top Gear festival which I was thrilled to do as I actually quite like cars and we'd see each other a couple of times a week.  He always paid me compliments and told me how interested in me he was.

APRIL came along and we parted ways mainly because we shared differing beliefs but also because he was dishonest in some of the things he told me.  Even now, at the end of 2013, I still hurt about that because i put so much faith into that relationship working out and i really did care about him a lot.  I suppose Easter brought out the Christian in me because I wanted him to come along to church.

It was a hard month to cut my ties with him but i know that someone i am more suited to is still out there somewhere.  It was also the beginning of much deeper commitments to my church.

In April I began attending a 'Connect' group with people in similar age to me from my church.  We studied various aspects of the Christian walk and also got to know each other more intimately.  I also became more involved in our Creative Team, singing more regularly at church.

It was also a month of transition with work.  We moved from the city into our new Auburn office.

MAY was a quiet month also, although very busy with work.  I also began volunteering every Saturday morning, with a program called SAIL, teaching English to refugees, very rewarding work.

In JUNE and JULY we had two new staff come aboard at work and two staff leave.  Winter settled in and i was desperately wishing we could fast approach summer again.

AUGUST saw me leave the SAIL program.  It was a rewarding experience but i felt that i was out of my depth as i knew nothing about how to teach a person english and there was no training involved.  They were lovely about it and said they'd welcome me back if I ever decided to volunteer again.  As I dropped volunteering for this, I decided to volunteer in a support role with a Legal Service primarily offering immigration advice.  But because of my 'Connect' group commitments, I did this every fortnight.

I also was enlisted on the production team at church, where i learnt to operate the Graphics feature.

In SEPTEMBER my parents went overseas to the UK, Hawaii and Bora Bora for 8 weeks and nothing exciting happened here.  I had my hair permanently straightened which I think has made my hair go a bit funny.  It was really great at the time though.

OCTOBER was obviously my birthday, always a good time.  During this time of connecting with people of my church, I met three girls who I became very close with.  I was touched when they threw two of us a birthday dinner and bought us gifts.  I haven't known these girls long but they have touched my life with their care and concern for me.  Over many dinners and hangouts both in church and out of church, i have become close with them and consider them to be good friends.

It's nice that I have found people at church, who share the same beliefs that i do, that are at the same part of life that i am at.  They understand me and can relate to similar things.  This also applies to people within my 'Connect' group.  People that encourage me to be the best person I can possibly be.