Tell me how you feel?

Have you ever got the feeling that there's so much more people just aren't telling you? Or what about the feeling that people have no problem telling other people what you're like except for you?

I'm not usually one to blog about negatives (although i feel like the most negative person alive) but what i'm about to blog isn't exactly positive thinking.

At the moment, that's what i feel like people are doing. Sure, call me a la paranoid because it's true, i am. Except the truth starts to hurt when you realise only a handful of people are being honest to you, wanting to hang out with you, doing life with you.

It seems that it's so much easier these days to ignore something rather than address the issue. That's what it seems people are doing to me lately - just ignoring me and that hurts.

It feels like people are also excluding me, which hurts as well. It's an unspoken exclusion and if i confront it, like i think i'm doing here, the easy thing for people to say is, "alisha, you're just being silly". Am i?

See lately, i don't know when i'm just being paranoid or when my gut feeling is right. When people tell me i' m being silly i feel unheard and if i listen to people telling me how silly i'm being that would mean all my thoughts and feelings about things are ALWAYS silly, and it makes me feel invalidated.

Is the way i ever feel real? Or always silly? Because i don't believe for a second that i'm always silly - that would mean no-one ever has anything bad to say about me and i know THAT'S not true at all!!!!

Are there in fact people talking about me behind my back and is it just being brushed off as me being delusional?

I'd love to be a fly on the wall in some people's conversations. I once heard a negative conversation about me which at the time didn't make me feel wanted or needed but at least i knew how they felt about me. I don't think i know where i stand with a lot of people, i don't know who the genuine ones are and who's just being nice to my face.

I think people hide and cover up things ALOT!!!! I mean, why would you tell someone something if you knew it would hurt them? Why would you tell someone something if you knew it wasn't necessary? It's like when you get invited to a party and someone doesn't, you go out of your way not to bring it up in conversation!

I hate that. I'd rather we all just be open with eachother and know what makes another tick and what people REALLY think of another person. Because when we're open with eachother, there's less chance we're gonna exclude someone or be nasty about someone behind their back! There's also a chance it wouldn't happen like that but at a lesser percentage!

I always get the feeling people either think or, heaven forbid, say these phrases....

• Alisha is untrustworthy
• Alisha is a big mouth
• Alisha is fake
• Alisha is boring
• Alisha is in it for herself only
• Alisha is a sour, bitter person
• Alisha is fat
• Alisha is depressing
• Alisha is a try-hard

Most of those statements i'm sure people think but just don't have the guts to tell me that they are the reasons they'd rather not spend time with me.

Correct me if i'm wrong or if i'm 'just being silly'! I guess the saying 'what she doesn't know won't hurt her' is a complete lie.

So for all of these things and for who i am, i want to publicly apologise to the people who hate/exclude me for not meeting society's standards and for not being up to scratch - i AM giving it my best shot.

For the handful of people that DO love me and DO enjoy my company (most likely the ONLY ones who will comment on this - you know who you are!) and to God, i want to say a big thank you for taking the time to get to know me and putting up with the person mentioned above - definitely not an easy person to befriend but i am working on that! Your friendship to me means the world when everything and everyone else seems to crash around my ankles! Thank you for your unconditional love!

Alisha xoxo

PS: Sorry for the negativity! i DO feel the need to apologise for that at least!