Tribute from Grandad's Doll

I've wanted to blog this for a while now...but just have been nervous about blogging it and unsure of myself. But I've come to the point where I can't help but put it down on paper....well computer anyway.

This weekend (i think) or this month at least marks the 10th year anniversary of my Grandad passing away.

I kinda feel sad when i think too much about it so i try not to think about it too much. I guess i loved my Grandad a lot and he meant alot to me. This could be a long blog but hey.

When my Grandad died i think a part of me died with him, it sure felt that way anyway. I've never really told anyone what i'm about to say so i guess here is as good a place as anywhere and i guess i don't really mind. My Grandad inspired me to write about things...he used to write a lot of stories when i was growing up, fairytales and he'd use my name and my counsins names in his stories. They were always fun to read, it was a great personal touch. So when i started high school i started writing stories, i wanted to be just like him. In year 7 i wrote a novel...hehehe, well not really but it was sooooo long. My english teacher (who i was in love with at the time) was so encouraging both with my creative writing and my singing. Anyway, he loved my story so much that he drew the most amazing picture to go with it which i still have. I showed my Grandad the story i wrote and he was most impressed, although he did scoff at the trashy romance that was included as part of the story line but overall he liked it. The next writing i wrote and showed him was a poem which was about being in the gully down at the bottom of the paddocks on his farm. He liked that too. I wrote lots of stories at school and when i was in year 11 my english teacher apparently told my mum had i thought of considering studying creative writing at uni in wollongong, something to do with becoming an author. My mum said no because i didn't want to go to uni. My Grandad died when i was in year 10 - 3 months before my 16th birthday. I've only written two poems and no stories since he died. It was a part of me that died when he did. I had no-one who loved them as much as he did, no-one to show them to who would appreciate them as much, so I stopped writing anything.

I remember good stories about my grandad, good stories about the farm and growing up with him. I remember eating the lollie bananas and the furry friends chocolates before we went to bed at nite. They were Grandad's bedtime goodies. I remember rubbing up against his five o'clock stuble before kissing him goodnite or kissing him hello.

I remember how i loved one of his horses called susie....he used to call me susie pink-pants because i had a pair of spandex pink pants that i wore religiously.

I remember going out burning fireweed.....i remember going out into the paddocks to throw hay out to the cows and jumping up onto the landrover and sliding up on my knees, but because it was made of wood i managed to get a splinter in my knee. That night before bed, i was in tears because my knee was sore and pussy and bleeding and i was only in year 5 so mum and my nanna had me up on the kitchen table looking at my knee....they were arguing over what to do and it made me cry more. Grandad told them to "shush" and stroked my face saying (in a soothing voice) "it's ok, don't cry, you'll be alright sweety" he made it feel like i was going to be ok and not die.......i ended up having it cut out and getting stitches. I still have the 4 cm splinter in a specimen jar.

I remember helping him paint a fence brown next to his old office shed, the one he used to mark our height in. He liked to dress me up. Once he dressed me up as a hoola Hawaiian girl and another time he dressed me up as a man and took photos, joking with me that we could send the photos to my parents and they wouldn't know who the strange "man" in the photos were. So i really do look like a man!!!!! lol.....who woulda thought Grandad was into cross-dressing?! lol....

What i will never forget is how he used to play his piano accordian, i loved it. He was always so interested in me. He loved me i suppose. I only remember getting in trouble from him once and that was because i had shoes on inside and was laying on my bed with shoes on! He mostly looked out for me when no-one else would. He always defended me. There are times in my life when i wonder if he was the only one who ever loved me especially so unconditionally.

The only thing i don't understand is why he had nothing better to live for? The first time he nearly died he scolded my nanna saying he just wanted to die rather than go through heart surgery or something again. I'm not sure but i think my nanna had an option of saving his life the second time but because of his wishes she let him die in peace. She's a good lady....

Sometimes i get hurt by that though. Why couldn't he have just kept going like a trooper? Wasn't his family enough to live for? Wans't i enough to live for? I guess not. He was a God fearing man so i guess the chioce to stay here with me or the choice to go to heaven and be with God wasn't really a tough one. I know it wouldn't be tough for me....hehehe.....i get sad because he missed seeing me turn 16, he missed seeing me finish school. He missed my 21st and he's going to miss my wedding. Thinking of still having him around to hug and the rest of it makes me a bit teary at times.

His funeral was probably the most saddest day of my life so far, never cried so much in my whole life. Before the service i remember sitting out on the top hill, looking out over the paddocks which he once called his farm wondering how anything could ever be the same. There were birds flying in the sky and it was the most beautiful day. I remember struggling to play duke street or was it deep harmony?? meh, number 16....whichever one that is. i didn't want to cry but i couldn't help it and that made it difficult to play my instrument. Some of my other cousins didn't go....but i made sure i was at the funeral and to this day i'm glad i went. i would never have forgiven myself if i'd have not gone.
I cried myself to sleep for a whole month straight
after, something i won't ever forget, i didn't want to keep on going with everyday mundane things but as you know, i did, i'm here and i kept going and i will be forever grateful for the love my Grandad had for me and i will always love him much more in return. As crazy as it sounds, i always find myself asking God to tell him how much i still love him and how much i still miss him. i can't wait til i get to see him again when Jesus comes again.

Anyway i guess this blog is in memory and a tribute to the greatest Grandad i've ever known!!! Thanks God for giving him to me for a Grandad....he was the best!!!

With much love
Grandad's lil doll....
(Tink xoxo)