The Cringers Audition

Have you had one of those experiences where you do something and it goes so horribly wrong that it keeps haunting your thoughts constantly and it keeps playing over and over in your head and won't leave you alone?

I had one of those experiences on Monday night.

I auditioned for a Salvo musical that's happening at the end of the year and it was DISASTROUS! As a result, i doubt i will ever get a part, i guess that's what happens when a. you're not talented and b. you stuff the audition up BIG TIME!!!

So the audition was pretty standard. A monologue, a cold read and a sing-a-long. The only difference was that it was laid back, i knew the panel and the panel knew me. That should've helped right? OH SO WRONG!

I hate monologues as it is but i think old age is just getting the better of me and i think i'm losing whatever acting skills i even had in the first place!

I started my monologue about 4 times. I got the furtherest the third time but having said that, that was only what, 2 paragraphs! Not even!

So Franc said stop, we've had enough hahaha...not like that, he was nice about it.

Then they made me cold read and the truth of the matter was that as plyable as i wish i was, i'm just not! Franc, bless his soul, got me to read to same piece of script about 3 times trying to mould me like putty in different ways. I'm not very putty like.

THEN

I had improvise the script with Simon - oh man - not only am i BAD at improvisation but talking to simon about your dead husband just off the top of my head? Oh dude, i just couldn't - that was awkward, weird and well....just something i couldn't do!

Whatever hint of acting ability i've ever possessed went right out the window that night! And to think i was accepted into uni for acting...pffft....what were they thinking?! I SUCK!

And finally the sing-a-long.

WOW, let me tell you, if there was anything redeeming about THAT audition, it was the singing audition. All those many nights in a darky, dingy, smokey pub at karaoke have been paying off! (hahaha it's not as bad as that, but that was dramatic, eh?!)

I sang fine. I may not be a diva as such but for once in my life i wasn't nervous to the point of a breaking voice, i was on key, i hit the high notes (possibly not very well) and the grace was truly amazing!

HOWEVER

Although the singing was good, it's not gonna get me an acting part - in fact, as i've already mentioned, i'm seriously doubting getting ANY part. Woe is me and my crap audition. I guess i just don't have the knack for acting anymore.

Anyway, because my monologue was so crap, like i said, it haunts me so i've pasted it here to try and stop making me cringe and howl everytime i think about it! The part in red is as far as i got - i know, have a giggle, i suck!

DREAM 3'?M1f Monologue: Salvation, paid in full, works

Have you ever had one of those dreams that was so real you couldnot only see it, you could feel it and smell it? I had one ofthose.

In my dream, this chef, dressed in a white chef's jacket and oneof those big puffy chef's hats, came up to me carrying a fryingpan and said,(in character, points into pan)"Your omelette is done."Sure enough, there in the pan was my favorite omelette, fluffyand light, ready to eat.

(rubs hands, licks lips)"Ambrosia!"

Then the chef said something odd. He said,(imitates) "Would you like me to cook it some more?"

"Didn't you say it was done?"

(imitates) "Yes. It is done. Would you like me to cook it somemore?"

"What would happen if you cooked it more?"

(imitates) "It would get dry and rubbery. Would you like me tocook it some more?"

(tilts head)"No, of course not! It's done."

(closes eyes tightly, reopens)Then, as suddenly as he appeared the chef disappeared and a manwearing blue jeans and a tool belt approached me.

He said,(imitates) "Well, your construction project is all finished."

"Good." I said. "I'll get my check book." (turns)

But then he said something odd. He asked, (turns back)

(imitates) "Or maybe I should do some more cutting and hammeringon it?"

(tilts head)"Wait a minute. Didn't you just say that the constructionproject was finished?"

(imitates) "Well, yes, but I could do some more cutting andhammering"

"What good would that do?"

(imitates) "It wouldn't do any good. In fact, it would probablymess things up. But I could do more if you'd like."

(closes eyes tightly, reopens)And when I opened my eyes again, there was my accountantstanding there with two checks, one to pay for the omelette andone to pay for the construction project. He offered me a pen andsaid,

(imitates) "Sign here."

After I signed the two checks, he smiled and said,

(imitates) "Paid in full! (seriously) Would you like me to writeeach of them another check?"

(tilts head)"But why?! You said they were paid in full!"

(imitates) "Oh, they are, but I could write them each anothercheck, if you like."

"What possible benefit would it be to me to write them a checkwhen I don't owe them anything?!"

(imitates) "Actually, there would be no benefit at all. But youcould do it if you want to.""Huh?"

(closes eyes tightly, reopens)And when I opened my eyes there was Jesus hanging on the cross.He said,

(imitates) "It is done. It is finished. It is paid in full."

Then he looked down at me and said,(imitates) "Hey, Bob, what part of FINISHED don't youunderstand?!"

(closes eyes tightly, reopens)

That's how I knew it was just a dream. Jesus never called myname while he was on the Cross. But my dream gave me somethingto think about. Sometimes I act as if Jesus' death on the Crosswas not enough to pay for all my sins. Sometimes I act as ifJesus never said "It is finished."

©2007 Bob Snook. Conditions for use:Do not sell any part of this script, even if you rewrite it.Pay no royalties, even if you make money from performances.You may reproduce and distribute this script freely,but all copies must contain this copyright statement.http://www.fea.net/bobsnook email: bobsnook@fea.net

Tink xoxo