The (overwhelming) Grace Factor

I know this is something I've blogged about alot but i guess spose it's something that I'm experiencing alot in my life lately.

I've been forced to think about the time i spend with God at the moment and the fact is, that whenever i give God my complete, 100% attention, i am overwhelmed by what he offers me. I am overwhelmed by his love and his grace. Mostly his grace.

When i use the word overwhelmed, what i mean is that i am reduced to nothing. My emotions get the better of me and i can't seem to stop that emotion. It's like an automatic reponse to an enormity, if that makes sense. It's not something i can anticipate, nor is it something i can stop. So i'm glad it doesn't last long, but there is the odd occasion when i wish i would cry forever and just let it all out so that i am never overwhelmed again. But that's not how it works and if we weren't overwhelmed we'd never experience the beauty that God is.

Being overwhelmed isn't a bad thing though, in fact sometimes, it's the only state i want to be in. One that's so open and vulnerable because in that state, you pretty much admit your lowlyness and then God can come in and minister to that. I know that's weird language but that's what he does.

Getting to a state of being overwhelmed is quite something and maybe it's because i think too much about stuff.

I guess the reason i've been thinking about it lately is coz i've been thinking of the environment i place myself in. I love to rest in nature and i love being surrounded by it and becoming really still, the problem is that then i think of too many things. It makes me feel so small to be in something so incredibly handcrafted and then i think about how God values me so much and how he took so much time to intricately make creation.

Why me? Why do you even do this? Why do you care so much? Why can't you understand that we're pointless - we do things over and over again and never learn from anything. So why???
They're just some thoughts that start going through my head. I start to recognise all my faults and my sin and shame and how dirty my life really is. I think about my brokeness and my hurt and i know that i can't do anything about it - i have to live everyday with all of that stuff in my life.

And then i think about all the answers to those few, starter questions and that's the point where i feel so overwhelmed by GRACE.

We don't do anything to deserve that and yet we're offered that regardless. Every part of who i am rebels against that and says i can't accept that because i'm so unworthy. But the whole point of grace is that it's a gift that we'll never earn, we'll never be shamelessly able to say thank you for. We will NEVER be able to stand proud and look God in the face and say i have worked so hard for this and yet God wants us to accept that, he doesn't force us to, he just wants us to.
I always think of the verse Nicole Nordeman wrote because i relate so well to it and echoes all my thoughts about the unconditionalism of God:

Nicodemus
Could not understand how You could
Truly free us
He struggled with the image
Of a grown man born again
We might have been good friends
Cuz sometimes I still question, too
How easily we come to You
And I, I really want to know You
I want to make each day
A different way that I can show You how
I really want to love You
Be patient with my doubt
Im just tryin to figure out Your will
And I really want to know You still

It makes me think of compliments and how much i hate them and yet how rude it is not to accept it. Is it rude of us not to accept grace?

Grace heals us and that's one of the things that makes it so amazing. Not only do we not deserve that second chance at life, but it also serves as more than one purpose. It's like an abundance of gifts in the one gift.

Sometimes i think that the reason i find it so hard to accept grace is because i am so tarnished by evil and grace forces me to look at holiness and to look at purity and to allow myself to be surrounded by all of that. God's grace allows us to become holy, it allows us to be healed of our hurts and shame. When we accept that grace, we're opening up our hearts to become whole, we're basically saying to God, "i don't deserve any of this but if what you're offereing is real and sincere then here i am." We fully give ourselves over to God by accepting grace. Isn't that overwhelming???

A sinner presenting themselves to God through grace? My overwhelmed state comes from knowing that i am an udeserving and bad person. But God doesn't see that, he sees a marvellous creation, he looks at us so lovingly and when we don't want that grace and wallow in our own self-pity it breaks his heart because all he wants us to be is joyful and without pain or sorrow, that's why he gives us grace. He'd do anything to take us away from that.

I guess i get so overwhelmed as well because i can't contemplate anyone being that generous. He's almost too good to be true. But that's the beauty of who he is. He doesn't play favourites. He doesn't march around waving his superiority, he'd rather be on our level.

I don't have to try to be overwhelmed by him, it just happens for me. But if it doesn't happen for you, try it. Open your heart and open your mind, question him, do anything and everything you can to become overwhelmed, it takes your breath away when it happens. It reduces you to nothing, because that's who we are. But God runs to us when we are in that state and he heals us and talks with us, he soothes us.

This has been long because i try desperately to make you understand that feeling because i know how good it is but i'm sure i STILL haven't done this overwhelming feeling justice, it's something you HAVE to experience for yourself but when you do, you'll never forget what it is to be overwhelmed.