No Laughing. No Smiling. Not Today.

So i was laying in bed last night trying to understand a lot of things and failing. I kept asking too many questions to the God of the universe. I love him, i do. My heart belongs completely to him, there is absolutely none like him without a doubt but i got so angry at him. I got so angry that i literally had this vision of myself coming up against a brick wall and slamming it, losing absolute sanity, hitting it, kicking it in a fit of outrage, losing it like when someone goes absolutely nuts.

Then i stopped. When i stopped, i realised i was just laying in bed and had come to the end of my questions. I was so frustrated that i had no answers, that i'd hit a brick wall and the 'vision' was from complete lack of knowledge and helplessness, i could do nothing else BUT lash out at this wall in front of me. Then, laying there, i cried.

There are some things in life that we have no power or control over.

There are some places in life that we are so far removed from that all we can feel is helplessness.

There are far too many things that are left unsaid or kept hidden, that should be spoken and poured out from the heart.

God knows my heart. He is mine and i am his and that's why i can be angry at him. He understands my inability to understand, he knows my frustration, he knows my grief and although i am still angry, still incredibly sad, i will take comfort and refuge in his embrace, in his peace.

"Your smile brings me joy. I truly hope God puts you back in my life one day. Your smile warms my heart and i will remember it forever. I will truly miss you"

~ Blake Webb

I will miss you too Blake. I always have and now I always will.