Friendship Is Not Forever

It's always really hard coming back from a positive and encouraging environment such as camp to the 'real world' where things aren't as black and white. But for some reason i have found it particularly harder than usual this time 'round.

Mostly these feelings have emanated from friends too, which is really sad and really draws attention to the absence of my American friends who seem to always be there for you 24/7 no matter what, even when the miles between us are so great.

I think i've lost two relatively close friends this year.

It has somewhat hurt me I have to say and definitely made me question whether my friendship with them ever meant anything to either of them at all. I know that i haven't done anything to warrant being cut off from them. I never expect anything from any of my friendships but when i'm cut off like this, it makes me wonder what i did that was so unworthy of their friendship.

It's also hard to realise how much wasted time and effort was put into something that was only ever one-sided and it's a bit of a shock not to have seen it coming too, not to have realised i was a burden that they were just carrying.

But i guess we leave these things to fade and eventually we recover and heal from these things that tear us open, left to bleed. It's probably a comfort to know that it happens to probably all of us but i'll always remember good times and wonder how it ever ended like this and that's probably a very hard thing to have to come to terms and deal with, it would just be easier if i could erase thinking about those times.

I understand that people move on with their lives but didn't realise cutting ties with people you once called a 'friend' was part of moving on. Maybe i'm under the disillusion that friends are friends forever. I just always thought it was true and i guess it's more of a fairytale than a truth - that's difficult to accept.

I love that Jesus WANTS to spend time with me. I love that his friendship is not exclusive. He associates with me because he loves me, because he WANTS to not because it's any kind of obligation and because of that, i am definitely unworthy of such a love and friendship. If anyone has any kind of reason to turn their back on me, it would be him and yet he, of all people, doesn't. I don't always live a life worthy of his grace and his love and yet he still seeks to be in relationship with me. I am so lucky that he loves me and is my friend and he's not gonna cut me off because i don't act or look a certain way or meet his requirements. I was just always under the impression that we're supposed to strive to be like him.