Religion, Love & Lies
This month has quite possibly been the best and worst of my year thusfar.
The sole purpose I am writing this next piece is because it's eating my insides and it has to come out because i don't want to feel the misery anymore that the last few days have made me feel.
How should you feel when someone holds your hand or kisses you and looks deep into your eyes and tells you how much you mean to them? Or how about if they take you out on a day-trip, all expenses paid and aren't afraid of showing the world their public displays of affection for you. Or what about endless text messages to tell you how pretty or caring or sweet you are, to tell you goodnight or good morning or to wish you a beautiful day?
It makes you feel high. It makes you feel and see the value that your life has. It unblinds you from the lies you tell yourself. It provides hope that there is something good awaiting you. That perhaps someone actually thinks you are special. That finally, all your dreams may be about to come true. That your happy ending is somewhere just up ahead or around the corner.
I have never felt happier than i have this past month but i have also known it to be a month of a painful and nonsensical ending.
It sounds melodramatic, doesn't it. And it most probably is, but there's a twist to the ending.
There were lies and deceit. And it's not as if i haven't been lied to before. In fact, i'm quite familiar with the way a lie works, especially when it comes from the mouth of a man, it doesn't hurt any less to be lied to but in this particular scenario the lie was the least of my worries, although it's certainly not something to base a firm foundation on nonetheless.
Oh no. This lie went much deeper. This lie hurt more than I've been hurt before and by none other than my own self walking away with much pain and true sorrow.
How can you lie about what you believe or about the country in which you are from? Surely, it would make more sense to expose those things in your life as being the most important, of which you value more than anything else in your utmost existence???
So here is the twist. The misery is my own. I created it. I still am trying to reason with my decision and still my heart will not budge. My heart is prized on Jesus Christ and i can't stray from his love for me. At least, not far.
Why is that a twist? Because based on the differences in religion, i walked away from a man whose only sin was that he lied. He didn't say he wanted me any less. In fact, i would say he's more hurt than i am, but by his own selfish fault. Selfish in that it has also cost my happiness as well as his own. Why does my life have to be spent in misery? Because there is a man who would willingly still spend time with me and care about me, if only i would forgive him for lying and being of another faith.
But that's just it, of course i could forgive him for lying, i've done it before. But faith goes deeper than that. There's nothing to forgive, there's nothing even to resolve unless one of us converts for the other. This man who still cares for me has forced me into this decision. Of course, lying is to blame as it would never have come to this, had he just been honest in the first place. But now i am walking away from everything that i've ever wanted.
It's a sacrifice i've had to make because Jesus is my only love.
And it's caused me to question religion, again. I always question religion because i hate it so much. It's such a big divide. It's never caused anything great. Nothing between us has changed. I'm still me and he's still him and yet we are divided because of the Gods for which we serve and love. It's like bullet proof glass has emerged, higher than the sky, unbreakable.
But i am more in love with a jealous God and so it decides my fate for me.
There are much MUCH worse misery's that one can endure and i am, by far, not the most hurting or unfortunate person in the world. But it's my own personal pain, this is how I am feeling, it's the continual waiting for that one person that should complete my life. Even God said it's not good for man (or woman) to be alone. It's being so close to attaining something that means so much to you and then falling short and being sent back into that constant, lonely and painstakingly long waiting game, forever being told that it will happen at the right time, forever wandering alone.
Forgiveness i could've granted him. Abandoning my God for his, i could not.
The sole purpose I am writing this next piece is because it's eating my insides and it has to come out because i don't want to feel the misery anymore that the last few days have made me feel.
How should you feel when someone holds your hand or kisses you and looks deep into your eyes and tells you how much you mean to them? Or how about if they take you out on a day-trip, all expenses paid and aren't afraid of showing the world their public displays of affection for you. Or what about endless text messages to tell you how pretty or caring or sweet you are, to tell you goodnight or good morning or to wish you a beautiful day?
It makes you feel high. It makes you feel and see the value that your life has. It unblinds you from the lies you tell yourself. It provides hope that there is something good awaiting you. That perhaps someone actually thinks you are special. That finally, all your dreams may be about to come true. That your happy ending is somewhere just up ahead or around the corner.
I have never felt happier than i have this past month but i have also known it to be a month of a painful and nonsensical ending.
It sounds melodramatic, doesn't it. And it most probably is, but there's a twist to the ending.
There were lies and deceit. And it's not as if i haven't been lied to before. In fact, i'm quite familiar with the way a lie works, especially when it comes from the mouth of a man, it doesn't hurt any less to be lied to but in this particular scenario the lie was the least of my worries, although it's certainly not something to base a firm foundation on nonetheless.
Oh no. This lie went much deeper. This lie hurt more than I've been hurt before and by none other than my own self walking away with much pain and true sorrow.
How can you lie about what you believe or about the country in which you are from? Surely, it would make more sense to expose those things in your life as being the most important, of which you value more than anything else in your utmost existence???
So here is the twist. The misery is my own. I created it. I still am trying to reason with my decision and still my heart will not budge. My heart is prized on Jesus Christ and i can't stray from his love for me. At least, not far.
Why is that a twist? Because based on the differences in religion, i walked away from a man whose only sin was that he lied. He didn't say he wanted me any less. In fact, i would say he's more hurt than i am, but by his own selfish fault. Selfish in that it has also cost my happiness as well as his own. Why does my life have to be spent in misery? Because there is a man who would willingly still spend time with me and care about me, if only i would forgive him for lying and being of another faith.
But that's just it, of course i could forgive him for lying, i've done it before. But faith goes deeper than that. There's nothing to forgive, there's nothing even to resolve unless one of us converts for the other. This man who still cares for me has forced me into this decision. Of course, lying is to blame as it would never have come to this, had he just been honest in the first place. But now i am walking away from everything that i've ever wanted.
It's a sacrifice i've had to make because Jesus is my only love.
And it's caused me to question religion, again. I always question religion because i hate it so much. It's such a big divide. It's never caused anything great. Nothing between us has changed. I'm still me and he's still him and yet we are divided because of the Gods for which we serve and love. It's like bullet proof glass has emerged, higher than the sky, unbreakable.
But i am more in love with a jealous God and so it decides my fate for me.
There are much MUCH worse misery's that one can endure and i am, by far, not the most hurting or unfortunate person in the world. But it's my own personal pain, this is how I am feeling, it's the continual waiting for that one person that should complete my life. Even God said it's not good for man (or woman) to be alone. It's being so close to attaining something that means so much to you and then falling short and being sent back into that constant, lonely and painstakingly long waiting game, forever being told that it will happen at the right time, forever wandering alone.
Forgiveness i could've granted him. Abandoning my God for his, i could not.
MISERY
by
The Beatles
posted by Unknown at
Sunday, March 31, 2013
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