More Anaemic Perspectives

For those of you who don't keep up to date reading my most boring blogs, a while back i blogged about being diagnosed (?) with anaemia.

In case you haven't got a clue what it is, today i was reading alot about it and a certain obsession i have with ice (the frozen water kind). Anyway, go and familiarise yourself with it at the link below.

WHAT IS ANAEMIA?

So anyway, the reason i was doing some more research into the diagnosis is because i've been told that anaemic people crave ice (the frozen water kind).

Here's me thinking i just had an unnatural obsession with ice (buying bags of ice at petrol stations and consuming it) when in fact, i have the pagophagia form of pica. In simple terms phagopagia being the obsession with ice and pica being the consumption of non-food substancecs.

Also in my online medical research (ha!), i came across a thing called 'Restless Legs Syndrome'.

In the first stages of my anaemia (it's settled down now and i'm hoping i'm not quite so anaemic), i was experiencing heart palpitations and, low and behold, restless legs syndrome. When i came across it i noticed that it was linked with anaemia.

I guess in summary, all these things apart from the heart palpitations, just went unnoticed. It's only now that i'm looking into anaemia in more depth that i'm noticing things i've experienced.

I was also interested to note in the anaemia information that it said, "Iron deficiency can also reduce attention span", although i think maybe my attention is just short in general hahaha....anaemia doesn't contribute to that.

I guess the most disturbing thing about my anaemia is that my doctor tested me for Leukemia without even telling me. The reason i know this is because it came up in my research.

Leaukemia is a blood disease and i thought to research it simply because anaemia is also a blood condition. The iron levels in your red blood cells aren't right. Now i know leukemia is because you produce an abnormal amount of white blood cells hence the word leukemia (meaning white blood cells), but i also know that it creates so many that your normal cells ie. white, red and platelets get crowded out and your body finds fighting infections difficult. It's complicated and that probably isn't right.

But what stood out to me in my research on Leukemia is that anaemia can be a symptom of leukemia. It also said that some symptoms are enlarged liver and spleen. Now is the disturbing part. My doctor laid me down on the surgery bed and poked and prodded my liver and spleen which she told me she would do. What i didn't know was that it was probably to feel if they were enlarged.

Thankfully i don't think i have leukemia because she didn't say i had it and my organs weren't enlarged i'm pretty sure! She also had my blood sent to a specialist to check the red blood cells as she detected and abnormality but i'm sure that if anything was wrong she would've called as she took down my mobile number! So far, no calls - touch wood!

So all in all i think i'm pretty safe but i guess it just goes to show what a little research on a particular subject can do, eh?!

Tink xoxo

A 'poke you in the eye' Mocha Latte (Mochaccino)

UPDATE:
Today (29th March) when i asked for a mocha latte, the man looked at me funny and questioned me, "A mocha latte?" and i replied, "ummmm just a mocha?" he said, "sure, a mocha it is!" he then proceeded to inform me that it was actually technically called a mochaccino! I stand corrected!


Never have i felt the need to write about coffee more than i have today!

I'm not a huge coffee drinker but i do usually have at least one a day. It's not that i couldn't live without coffee it's just that i like the edge it has! In no way does it make me alert - THAT is a misconception the world has!

I love how in the movies a coffee makes people look extra intelligent or like they're very sophistocated. The people are always running late or something dramatic is going on and they're on a 'cell' phone and happen to pick up a coffee on the way. It looks maaaad!!!!

Now, it's quite an American thing grabbing a coffee in the morning and slamming it down on your way to work. It's not really something that originated from the land down under! However, on my way to work and particularly as i sit in the foyer watching the people stream in to work for the day, i see them constantly dashing in with a coffee in hand! They also look pretty cool and sophistocated. So although it's an American tradition, anyone can look cool and sophistocated as long as they have that coffee in their hand!

I love it. But although i LOVE coffee, i hate the coffees that you buy from cafes! The taste is just too ..... i don't even have a word for it ..... strong? Nah, that doesn't encapsulate it as much as i want it to. The taste is not like your instant nescafe of your daily cup of moccona and i guess that's because it's ground or something i dunno, not familiar with coffee grounding methods, but it's just not nice.

This means that i miss out on grabbing my sophistocated cup of coffee in the sweet little coffee cup. I COULD grab a hot chocolate but that is just too much for me in the morning and makes me feel sick and also, it's not a coffee, it's not the real deal! It really makes me sad because *iiii want to look sophistocated! Well not really but i like to give off the impression that i am! haha...

Anyway, this morning was the biggest highlight of my week! I wanted a coffee and i wanted the whole sophistication of it all so i marched myself into the cafe and i said to the man, "look, i'm not very good with coffee but do you have something with coffee AND chocolate in it?" i thought that maybe the bad cafe coffee taste might be watered down if something else was in it! He said, "you want a mocha latte?" i said, "YES!" and i paid and waited for it to be made.

Just off topic, the man that made my 'mocha latte' was irish and he was alright looking and he made my day by making a joke about it when he gave it to me, something about mocha latte fabacino deliziaso poke you in the eye.....hahaha, i laughed anyway, thought he was a handsome funny IRISH guy!!

I hurried away (like they do in the movies) and took a sip of my 'mocha latte' and MY GOODNESSS!!!!!! i was on cloud nine!!!!!! It tasted so good!!!! I was wrapped!!!!!! I could now buy a 'mocha latte' and look sophistocated because i enjoyed the taste! I also realised that when i went to a cafe for 'coffee' i could actually order a mocha latte!!!!

WHAT A JOY!!!

So anyway, i just HAD to blog about this because it has set the mood for my day - i feel like dancing! Why one coffee can make you feel so good, i'll never know!

My day has been made PERFECT!

Tink xoxo

PS: Harlen Coben has released his new book - "Promise Me". Make sure you get your hands on it!!
* Trying to empahsize the word 'i' doesn't really work!

Tell me how you feel?

Have you ever got the feeling that there's so much more people just aren't telling you? Or what about the feeling that people have no problem telling other people what you're like except for you?

I'm not usually one to blog about negatives (although i feel like the most negative person alive) but what i'm about to blog isn't exactly positive thinking.

At the moment, that's what i feel like people are doing. Sure, call me a la paranoid because it's true, i am. Except the truth starts to hurt when you realise only a handful of people are being honest to you, wanting to hang out with you, doing life with you.

It seems that it's so much easier these days to ignore something rather than address the issue. That's what it seems people are doing to me lately - just ignoring me and that hurts.

It feels like people are also excluding me, which hurts as well. It's an unspoken exclusion and if i confront it, like i think i'm doing here, the easy thing for people to say is, "alisha, you're just being silly". Am i?

See lately, i don't know when i'm just being paranoid or when my gut feeling is right. When people tell me i' m being silly i feel unheard and if i listen to people telling me how silly i'm being that would mean all my thoughts and feelings about things are ALWAYS silly, and it makes me feel invalidated.

Is the way i ever feel real? Or always silly? Because i don't believe for a second that i'm always silly - that would mean no-one ever has anything bad to say about me and i know THAT'S not true at all!!!!

Are there in fact people talking about me behind my back and is it just being brushed off as me being delusional?

I'd love to be a fly on the wall in some people's conversations. I once heard a negative conversation about me which at the time didn't make me feel wanted or needed but at least i knew how they felt about me. I don't think i know where i stand with a lot of people, i don't know who the genuine ones are and who's just being nice to my face.

I think people hide and cover up things ALOT!!!! I mean, why would you tell someone something if you knew it would hurt them? Why would you tell someone something if you knew it wasn't necessary? It's like when you get invited to a party and someone doesn't, you go out of your way not to bring it up in conversation!

I hate that. I'd rather we all just be open with eachother and know what makes another tick and what people REALLY think of another person. Because when we're open with eachother, there's less chance we're gonna exclude someone or be nasty about someone behind their back! There's also a chance it wouldn't happen like that but at a lesser percentage!

I always get the feeling people either think or, heaven forbid, say these phrases....

• Alisha is untrustworthy
• Alisha is a big mouth
• Alisha is fake
• Alisha is boring
• Alisha is in it for herself only
• Alisha is a sour, bitter person
• Alisha is fat
• Alisha is depressing
• Alisha is a try-hard

Most of those statements i'm sure people think but just don't have the guts to tell me that they are the reasons they'd rather not spend time with me.

Correct me if i'm wrong or if i'm 'just being silly'! I guess the saying 'what she doesn't know won't hurt her' is a complete lie.

So for all of these things and for who i am, i want to publicly apologise to the people who hate/exclude me for not meeting society's standards and for not being up to scratch - i AM giving it my best shot.

For the handful of people that DO love me and DO enjoy my company (most likely the ONLY ones who will comment on this - you know who you are!) and to God, i want to say a big thank you for taking the time to get to know me and putting up with the person mentioned above - definitely not an easy person to befriend but i am working on that! Your friendship to me means the world when everything and everyone else seems to crash around my ankles! Thank you for your unconditional love!

Alisha xoxo

PS: Sorry for the negativity! i DO feel the need to apologise for that at least!

The Meaning of Perseverance

Last night, i watched the most emotional hour and half of television i think i have ever seen. All of it being as close to real life television you can get! I didn't quite need the box of tissues but there were definitely a couple of tears shed. Let me share it with you.

Over the last month or so i've been getting into the biggest loser. Partly because i love seeing how much they lose, partly because i love hearing their stories, party because i love watching the physical and emotional hurdels they overcome, partly because i applied to be on it and partly because i can relate to how they feel!

It's been intense but really good. I love the trainers Shannon and Michelle. They're horribly strict but the contestants benefit from it in the end. I think if it was me in some scenarios, i'd definitely give them a piece of my mind! The contestants do well being so calm! But having said that, the trainers hearts are definitely in the right spot and when they're not training, they're really sweet, amazing people.

Last night the episode of Biggest Loser was one of the most touching episodes i've seen, all the episodes of Jules aside!

Damien realised how much people believed in him when he got the chance to prove himself when the others threw him a lifeline and i was so touched that Patti was willing to sacrifice her loyalty for Greg for Damien's better quality of life.

Then on the other extreme, Marty was an arrogant pig who only cares about the money and winning. He would rather have seen Greg win, than think of helping Damien have a second chance of LIFE! When everyone else could see that it was more than a game for Damien, Marty still chose to be selfish and tried to elimate Damien.

So right there, i had mixed emotions, happiness for damien's sake, yet concern about how he'd deal with his win, this uncontainable joy for Patti when she had found it in her heart to care for Damien's life and not the game, and a VERY sickening sadness that Marty cared not for someone's life but for personal gain.

It reminded me how selfish we are and how off-track we can be as humans, how self-centred and self-focused we become when we know there's alot to be gained out of others demise! We can be really nasty, self-righteous, self-proclaimed creatures, instead of thinking how we can help others around us.

Just recently a friend mentioned to me how when we're in conversation with someone, all the other person is thinking is what they're gonna say next. Forget listening to what they're saying, we're more concerned about what OUR story is. Something that i, myself, needs to work on!

I know why Marty did what he did (other than because he believes he can win - pffft), he did it in an attempt to save Greg's spot in the game as Greg was pretty much his only true and sincere friend. Which in itself made me feel sad for him that no-one likes his company. I also found it sad that he would brush off Patti's decision (which i'm sure wasn't easy for her) as being untrustworthy. His feelings obviously coming from his hurt of losing Greg, one of his only friends!

Greg was a very strong contestant and by the end of the show, after they'd shown where he was at now, it was pretty obvious how well he's doing and how much he'd achieved by coming as far as he did. His parting remarks, which made my heart break, showed just how much emotional pain his weight had caused him and i understood exactly where he was coming from. But to see how much disbelief he'd had in himself and how much self-hatred his weight had caused him before the show made me all teary and just so sad knowing that there are SO many people just like him hating themselves because of their appearance. Waking up everyday wishing they didn't have to wake up. Greg was ashamed of the husband, father and son he had become because of his weight. I was just so sad for him, never have i ever wanted to jump into a television set and hug someone to tell them how invaluable they are and how much they have to offer more than i did last night. I think Greg was one of the most inspiring people i've seen on the show! I think Greg deserved to be alot more than some of them ie. marty or laura but i also think that he's extremely capable of achieving the things he wants to achieve and i think that show gave him the kick start he needed!

WOW EMOTIONAL BIGGEST LOSER!

The other show was Bondi rescue. I don't usually watch this show but they had a fatality and as i've blogged before, it's an area of interest to me (this is still an unexplained phenomena!).

What happened was that a man had been washed out with the rip and two lifeguards had seen him go under. After 45 minutes of ALL lifeguards searching for the disappeared man, they stopped searching. About 3 hours later the man's son came up to the lifeguards as they were packing up to go home and reported him missing. They eventually found him dead, which in itself is pretty disturbing especially for the son and mother. But for the two lifeguards who'd originally spotted him, i just can't imagine how they must've felt. They debriefed at the end but i realised that there would be so many things those lifeguards would battle with probably for the rest of their lives. As the show stated, Bondi hasn't had a fatality for 4 years and fatalities are a rare thing but CAN happen. It made me so hurt inside that in the event of trying to save someone's life, you CAN in fact, lose it. Life, like i keep being reminded of lately, is so fragile and it can be taken from us in an instant. I was particularly upset when one lifeguard relayed the kind of questions of did he make a mistake, was there something he missed, could he have done more? For him, the satisfaction that they'd done all they could was not enough when a life was lost, when in actual fact, all they did was all they COULD do! Life is so important to us that it can become so complicated and so messy when it's lost.

Then i had emotions going through me about the asian family who had only migrated here in the last week. It was the father's birthday THAT day! I was just overwhelmed at how much his birthday will mean to them for the rest of their lives, about how surreal it all would've been for them, especially to have camera's and crowds surrounding something so personal and private. I also thought about one lifeguards huge responsability he had to keep them calm and reassured when they started to realise the graveness of the situation.

And amonsgt that there was a huge sense of pride for lifeguards and for my country when the family had sent the lifeguards a sad letter thanking them for all they did and for the support and care our country had showed to them.

Between that episode and the biggest loser, there were so many emotions and things going through my head which may in fact have been the cause of so much hurt i was feeling.

Sometimes i just can't comprehend how much one person can go through. I always think my life is crappy and miserable and the things i've experienced are awful enough but when i think of other people who have experienced things i can't begin to imagine happening, i just become so overwhelmed. I mean Jules, such a lovely woman who experienced her first baby having down syndrome, her second baby having leukemia and her husband dying before her third child was even born.

And this weekend after helping with an Anya camp (for disadvantaged girls) i just see how unfair life truly is for some people and how blessed i am with the things i have and experience. And in amongst all of this, my mind just keeps going back to Job. A man who loved God through thick and thin, no other man had more trials and tribulations than he did, yet his love for God was unquenchable.

AMAZING.

I love the theme song for Biggest Loser, in fact i just love shannon noll all together! So i thought it would be appropriate to blog the lyrics!

LIFT
Shannon Noll

I know you're hurting
Feels like you're learning
'Bout life the hard way
And it ain't working

Seems like forever
That you've been falling
It's time to move on
You're life is calling, yeah

This was never meant to be the end
Close the book and start again

[CHORUS]
Cause I know how hard it can get
But you gotta lift
You gotta lift
And sometimes that's how it is
But I know you're stronger
Stronger than this
You gotta lift
You gotta lift

When you can feel your
Whole body's aching
What's left of your heart
It won't stop breaking
You gotta let go
You took a hit
Time to pick up now
Move on from this

This was never meant to be the end
Close the book and start again

[CHORUS]
Cause I know how hard it can get
But you gotta lift
You gotta lift
And sometimes that's how it is
But I know you're stronger
Stronger than this
You gotta

Lift yourself up above all the hurt
Don't give it
Wipe your eyes and remember
You're better than this
Let them know
That they took their best shot
And missed
C'mon and lift

This was never meant to be the end
Close the book and start again

Tink xoxo