Song Writing

I really wanna write songs about stuff but i don't know how.

Sad face.

Life is like a rollercoaster

I don't really have anything to write here today except that my application is all done for TAFE, did that today and now am just waiting for a transcript of a certificate i did, to add to the application - supporting documents or something.

Life here atm seems so up and down, and i don't just mean emotionally. I mean it about all sorts of things, one second i have money, another i don't. One minute i'm content just being back, another i'm not. One minute i'm ok with being in my own company and the next i'm wishing i had people to chill and laugh with. It's like rollercoaster ride that i can't seem to enjoy because of all the unexpected jolting around!

This week is a bit of a downer simply because my finances are sketchy. Why does it seem that when you run out of money, things just seem so boring and frustrating.

Paris Hilton is a loser. I watched her bff show on fox, epic fail. But one thing she has that i want is fame and riches. She doesn't even have to do anything to acquire it! She is just Paris and THAT'S what gives her fame and riches. SIGHS. I would like to not have to earn money, that it would just show itself up in my bank account would be a beautiful thing.

So.

That's about it really.

...

mmm, yea.

Pathways

Just before i start this post, y'all should check out a RECENT POST i wrote before i went overseas. I'd saved it to my drafts and never posted it (i don't know why), so today, i posted it. It's interesting. Just read it! hahaha...

I have been blogging now for ..... i dunno .....5 years maybe? July 2005 was my first post.

I know, it's crazy, seems like yesterday i was crooning over Brad and loving Big Brother! But i love it. Most of the time i don't have anything much worth saying and a lot of the time it's all nonsical (trust me, i have the list!) AND i could rave on for hours about nothing inparticular but i love blogging nonetheless.

Post-camp life is a lame downward spiral drag and i HATE HATE HATE that no-one gets it, it never gets any better, every year it's exactly the same. Whenever i reminisce about something or someone from camp, i feel like a broken record that people say 'that's nice dear' to and go about their day. Gahhh. I just want to live in my own camp world forever, which leads me to my next subject.

I am old and i still don't know where my life should go. I am actually literally motivated to do NOTHING. There is absolutely nothing that my hearts desire is. Every time i think about what it is i should do, my mind goes blank. All of my being just says, 'go live in America' but that's hardly a life-long profession now is it?! Often i find myself repeating this little phrase, 'if camp was a year long experience, i would have found my career!'

Sooooo i THIIIINK today i made the decision to do the Certificate 4 in Community Services at TAFE (community college) which starts in February and then if i complete that, then I'll do my Diploma in Community Services. Hopefully in the middle of that or the end, whatever comes first i can then become a case worker or something equally as respectable and then, at the end of all that, i might then be able to make the move to work in my career field in the USA. That is my plan (my uncle keeps telling me that he has a vision of me living in the USA someday).

Of course, if i am able to continue my studies in America, that would be a bonus but just as an added precaution, i plan on finishing all that in the previous order in this dumb country.

And i was thinking about it all today and i guess it feels right. I dunno. For a few years now, i've avoided saying 'this is what God wants' or 'this is God's will for my life' because frankly, i don't know what God's will is for my life. There, i said it. And i don't particularly want to put words in God's mouth for him. I reckon sometimes in my life he's probably been like, 'i said what?' or 'Since when did i ask you to do that?'. Too many times have i wrongly spoken on behalf of God.

When you look back in hindsight of your life (and i understand i'm not quite 70 yet), things start to make sense. You see a much bigger scope of what part God has or is playing in your life.

When i said this next step in my life 'feels right' i guess i am just judging that based on where i've come from and what things have happened in my life over the past 30 years rather than what is God saying to me.

Leaving The Salvation Army church was one of the best decisions i've ever made in my life and yet i still respect and agree with what they stand for as an organisation. But it has also made me much more aware and sensitive of homelessness and welfare issues and the needy people in society. Being part of The Salvation Army exposed me to things i most probably would never have experienced had i not been a part of it and so my heart was broken for these things numerous times throughout my life. I guess the emotional state of my heart now could be a direct result of being brought up in this organisation.

I've seen my parents as Salvation Army officers conduct welfare interviews, i've even completed some random 'youth welfare' course a few years back, i've had the privilege of taking care of School leavers at 'Schoolies', i've been to summer camp and been privileged again working with campers that come from less than the greatest home lives, disadvantaged they're called.

So yea. I guess, whether it's 'God's will' or not, it just seems like the right thing to do considering where i've come from and how my life seems to have been shaped up until this point.

That's all well and good in theory and i really hope to stick by this plan ultimately, but we will just see whether that application form gets handed in before the closing date. I'll definitely keep this blog updated!

=)

In Times of Boredom

FACEINHOLE, GOTTA LOVE IT!!!!!!!

My Boring Country

So the unpacking begins.....ugh.....i hate this with a passion and it doesn't matter where i go, unpacking makes me want to vomit and cry. There's just something super tedious about it and it's really stupid, except for the little surprises you forgot were packed in ie. the dry erase board from Whitney (you are the greatest!!!!!! Jessica, you know what i wrote on it babycakes!!!! tehehe)

Anyway, whoever it was that put a long green and blue lanyard into my bag - um - thank you? Mind you it was pushed into the zipper that had all my bras 'n' things in them, ha! Hope you got a nice surprise whoever you are!

Being home is boring. Nothing to do. It's so crazy thinking about how super fast camp life is and then coming back to .... well....emptiness really, at least that's how it always feels the few weeks after.

Anyway, work has given me some work now so pretty soon everything will be back to it's boring old self again....um, oh yea wait, it's already boring. pffft...

Here, the bread and the vegemite taste like gold, but every other food type is also boring. I declared to our kitchen, in front of my father yesterday that 'i hate this country!!!!'. It was while i opened the pantry only to find a box of 'make it yourself' cinnamon scrolls - the only way you get them here. Oh Cinnabon how i long for thee.....(Justin save me!)....why did i only eat two instead of 500 hahaha....gahhh....

I think it was Shakespeare or Juliet or someone equally as creative and smart that said 'parting is such sweet sorrow'. Indeed. Not so sure about the sweetness of it tho!

Who, What, Where, When

Something that's been popping up in my head a few times lately is things about the future.

Today was a good example of this. I was driving back from seeing Stan Walker live (i know, right?!) and thinking about what God could see in my future 5 or even 10 years from now.

I thought it would be kinda handy to at least catch a small glimpse of something that was gonna happen in my future.

Now, i'm not into all that fortune telling stuff and whatever because i believe in a much greater power and have full faith and trust that God knows what he's doing but sometimes just to have something solid to look forward to or to see something worth striving for would be motivation to push ahead.

I mean, God sees the things that will happen every single day of every single year of those 5 to 10 years and just to see one little thing would be so cool.

Coz when i think of my future, i wonder what those days of my life will look like, what things are going to make me cry or laugh or be overflowing with joy, how different will i be? Which people will play a major role in my life? Who will i be close to? Who won't be part of my life anymore? Will i age gracefully? Will i be satisfied and content with the blessings in my life? What sort of things will i have achieved? What do those 5 to 10 years look like?

I wanna know these sorts of things because i want to know what not to worry about, what things i should just not concern myself with, the things i need to forget or the things i need to pursue. Like, am i wasting my time with people and things, am i wasting my time worrying about different aspects of my life? Am i even going to be alive to worry about these things?!

And then i am reminded of what it says in Matthew 6 about worrying and also about what it says in James also about worrying.

Who knows whether we'll be alive to even see tomorrow, why not let it worry about itself. God knows what we need and provides us with this accordingly.

I suppose handing my life over to God and all the things that go along with that is something i am really struggling with at the moment, it's something that i've given to him but something i'm learning to trust him with.

Something i've also learnt about myself in the last 3 months is that i like to control the things that happen around me. I like to be in control of what's going on and my future is something that i can only have so much control over, the rest is up to God to determine.

But just sometimes i want to be able to see what is happening in my future. To see what my face looks like and if i am happy, to see if my dreams come true, to see if everything is the way i planned for it to be.

Again and again and again, i hand it over to God and pray that he guides me and uses my life to glorify him.

This Time 'Round

I arrived home from the USA yesterday. The jetlag is being kind to me and i am not doing too badly - praise the Lord!

But what i've realised in the last 24 hours, is that being 'home' doesn't seem right. In fact, it seems so wrong.

This is my third year at camp. The first year i arrived home, it felt good, i felt a little outta place, not a lot of people wanted to know about what i'd done and no-one could understand but it was nice being home.

After my second year, i was depressed. I would cry at the drop of a hat and want to be back in the USA. Still, no-one understood me, but being home wasn't quite as nice.

And this time around, everything is just wrong. Nothing here fits. I feel so detached from everything. My heart's not here, my head's not here - i honestly feel like a foreigner here, as if there's nothing on offer here. It feels like everything i do here is futile and won't work.

That was just a thought i wanted to share.

On a seperate, possibly brighter, note, I realised what i want the next journey/step of my life to be about.

Every year when i come home from camp i want to work outdoors and have always thought of getting some sort of qualification in recreation but at the same time it never seems right.

While i was showering off the sick plane grime from my body yesterday, i was thinking about it again and realised that it is the campers who impact my life the most and i want to work with people like the campers. So i think i want to work in something like foster care or with DOCS or something similar. It's actually something i've thought of doing before but never done anything about. Now, it just seems so right.

So next year (always starting the year fresh) I'm thinking of going to TAFE (don't ever wanna go to uni) and getting an appropriate qualification that fits the bill for that direction. I'm a little excited about it.

I also would love to become a qualified piercer and would love to open a piercing studio so will have a think about that too. That might just be a side project though.

Anyway, i know this blog kinda contradicts itself in some ways but i guess i have a lot of different feelings and emotions happening in my body right now and it's just about dealing with all of those things.